There comes a time where a song, television show, book and or/movie hits a chord in our mental which triggers positive and negative memories. These presentations of the arts submitted by various indivduals who we admire to no end. But it’s their craft that touches us in ways we’ll never be able to figure out.
Today, while I was in the shower Drake’s latest offering "Marvin’s Room" was playing loudly in the living room and I started to break down certain lines in my head and what they really meant. To me at least.
If you’ve listened to the song, I’m SUREEEEEEEEEEE it stuck up a memory or two of a past lover and all the mistakes one may have committed. This shit’s about to get deep so bare with me for a min. No I’m not drunk either lol. Or depressed. Just in a serious writing mood.
00:47: “But I been drinking so much, that I’ma call her and say ‘fuck that nigga that you love so bad.”
The break up. The drinking. The realization that she’s not around anymore. It’s become known, pubilcally, that she loves someone else and not you. What can you do? What is there to say? Who will understand that empty slot in your chest? But sober, you don’t have the courage to say these words so you hit the club with your niggas, throw something toxic back and pray that even though the blackberry battery is on red I’ll be able to make one last call to reveal how I feel about her new situation even though I’ve claimed time after time that I don’t give a fuck about her anymore.
01:09: Since you picked up, I know that he’s not around
He’s not there. Not physically, but mentally. He’s absent from your mind to the fact you still answer my calls. You don’t love him as bad as you think you do. The case isn’t closed and I still have a door to peel back open. How do you claim to love this new guy but you still tolerate my ways? The ways that you were use to. The ways that made you smile even though it took a toll on you. Why are you picking up this phone call THIS late at night? He lays beside you deep in a coma, but you pick up…..still. He’s definitely not around.
01: 55 I see all of her friends here, guess she don’t have the time to kick it no more
That was us. Your friends went to the club and you skipped out because I wanted to take you to Hooters for Wings & Fries and then walk to the Westside HWY eating Coldstone. Now, I’m at the club while my boys kick it your friends while I play it cool in the corner drinking a CoCo Loso, the 6th one of the night, and you’re not there. Of course your friends won’t reveal your whereabouts but this city is too small to not know what’s going on. You’re with him starting a new just like you were with me when we first met.
03:02: I don’t think I’m conscience of making monsters out of the women I sponsor till it all goes bad
It ain’t tricking because I got it. And you had it, but we’re no more. That spot is vacant and I miss the feeling of giving. I search for those I feel worthy of spoiling not knowing a crucial issue is building from within. I’m giving them a privilege in such a short amount of time that took months of building with you. Providing a false outlook for them is very damaging without their knowledge because when issues arise, I’ll dismiss them with no remorse because their affection was bought and not earned. And from that, a monster is created.
03:17: Talk to me please, don’t have much to believe in
I’m on my last wind. Your motivational rhetoric breathes life into these altered emotions. We’re not one, nowhere close to it but I don’t know anything else. My parents are sleep. My boys are drunk, as am I but there’s nothing for me to grasp on to. The liquor is taking a toll on my mental and you’ve mastered the art of pulling me back from under. It’s dark. You know me. I’m coming to you…fitted in hand. I believed in us. You moved on but I’m stuck in place. Just talk to me. Please.
03:38: I’ve had sex 4 times this week, I’ll explain
You coochie crook. What did you expect? My man said it best, “I was just fucking them girls, I was gonna get right back.” To late huh?
03:45: I been talking crazy girl, lucky that you picked up
I can’t lie, the Twitter subliminals were for you. The song lyrics, the references to our dates….for you. Yeah I got out of pocket a couple times but I’m hurt. I needed an outlet without being judged or questioned so I spoke those memories into the universe hoping…praying you would read them word for word. Wishing it would evoke some type of emotion that would grab hold of whatever’s left of me inside of you. You picked up. I can’t believe you picked up.
03:56: Are you drunk right now?
You only speak this blunt and direct to me when you’re under the influence. Even during our good times, it took you being drunk to express EXACTLY what you were feeling. Why? You told me you’d talk to me. You told me you give it to me straight. Why did you lie? Why did you shut down on me? Why was it so hard to lay and pillow talk with me? This isn’t how I want my partner to communicate. It wasn’t always like this. What changed it? What happen to you? Where did he go? You left me. So I left you. You left me to mentally fend for myself and I’ll never forgive you for that. You can’t blame me for how I chose to fix what you broke. I know you’re drunk right now. And yet, I still answer the phone for you.